I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
