found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
