He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
