the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
