I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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