He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
