this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
