I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
