What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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