So drunk its hurt
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
