Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
