Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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