highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
