is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
