singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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