my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
