how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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