just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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