I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
