so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
