Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
