In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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