Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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