I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
