I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
