my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
