We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
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Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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