I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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