my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
