i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
