i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
