Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
