..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
