The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
