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You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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