We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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