I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
