This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
