I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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