My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
