I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
