where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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