Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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