His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
