I can tuck mytits in my pants
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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