Your face is a jimmy john
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
