just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
