BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
