I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
