Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
they need to just BURY HIM!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
