I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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