It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My cat gives me a boner
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
