dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
