i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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