I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
