She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
